Being Broken

Brokenness, brokenness is what I long for
Brokenness is what I need
Brokenness, brokenness is what
You want from me

So, take my heart and form it
Take my mind and transform it
Take my will and conform it
To Yours, to Yours, oh, Lord

- Holiness by Sonic Flood

This week, my family took a vacation out of state. I'm home alone. Not a bad thing for a guy who really needs a break from his kids screaming and crying all the time. But I'm lonely. My wife left me with a long list of honeydos, and we agreed that Monday would be my "restoration day".

Rather than allow myself to be restored by God, I spent all day playing Civilization III and surfing the internet. I didn't even go to my workout. I just sat all day in front of any of three different computers and ate Doritos. Is this inherently bad? No. But when I heard the Lord calling my name, I didn't respond. I just sat there playing my game or finding useless stuff to do in the accursed 'net. Even this morning, as I wrote this post, I find myself searching for stuff for my newfound XMMS Linux-based music player instead of writing. My daughter does the same thing to me, and it really torques me off.

That hit me this morning. Here I am, doing the same thing to God that my daughter does to me. I get mad at my daughter 'cuz she won't even give me the dignity of a response. She just continues playing, without even looking at me. No, she's not deaf - she's been tested. She just ignores me. When she does this to me, I get the feeling that I simply do not matter to her.

So, this morning, I get the feeling I've done this to God. (When you get a feeling like that, out of the blue, that's the Holy Spirit and God, Himself, talking to you. It's not just your imagination or conscience.) I prayed, asking God to forgive me. I know He has, He promised He would, but the remorse remains. That feeling of remorse is brokenness.

Brokenness is what happens when you crawl on your knees to God and say, "I am wrong." Brokenness is what happens when you cry out to God asking for His mercy and forgiveness. So now you're forgiven. What, though, is repentance? How do I fix it so I never do this again (yeah, right!)? How do I remove this nagging guilt and shame?

Quite often I'll find the answers in a song. Today was no exception. The lyrics at the top of the page are from SonicFlood's version of a song written by Scott Underwood. Sonic Flood added the verse about brokenness. The answer came in the chorus:

• Take my heart and form it - Change my heart to reflect Your glory.
• Take my mind and transform it - Change my thinking to reflect Your glory.
• Take my will and conform it to Yours - Is that self-explanatory or not?

After carefully considering what this means, I'm trying to head back down the right road. I honestly desire nothing less than what God wants from me. I feel like Paul in the wordiest passage in all of scripture.

We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.

- Romans 7:14-20, NIV
If I'd wrote something like that in high school composition, Ms. Wroten would've given me an F!

I want to be like Christ. I don't want to be "holier than thou", but I want to be like Christ. I don't want to be better than anyone, I want to be like Christ. I want to be able to face the temptation and tell it to "take off". I'm going to let God continue working His reconstruction in my life. He'll be done when I join Him in Heaven.

Adios,
Clay

(äd-s) [Spanish adiós, probably translated from French à dieu. (I commend you) to God  : a, to (from Latin ad. See ad-) + Dieu, God (from Latin deus. See dyeu- in Indo-European Roots).]